THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN - PART ONE: self-inflicted punishment

Don't ask.
Just don't ask.
I don't know why I continue to inflict this saga on myself.
'New Moon' and 'Eclipse' were so dreadful it should have scared me off for life.
But I keep on coming back for more punishment.
It's not like I'm even hooked on Kristen Stewart anymore.

Part one of the fourth and final installment was yet another test of my endurance - could I hold it together or would BREAKING DAWN break me, sending me screaming from the room, frustrated beyond my ability to stand a minute more of this tedious dirge?
It was a close run thing but I think I more than proved I possess the resilience and strength of character to serve with the Marines or defuse bombs or talk crazy people down from the ledge of a skyscraper.
I'm still trying to figure out if that's something I should be proud of.
BREAKING DAWN is twenty five minutes worth of plot spread (very) thinly across an almost two hour running time. For the best part of ninety minutes almost nothing happens.
Characters look at each other, there's a bunch of arty-farty shots, and the newly-married Bella and Edward make beautiful PG-13 lurve. Time grinds to a halt.
I'd be lying if I called this a yawnfest. That would suggest the viewer remained awake and at least semi-conscious. BREAKING DAWN is a non-addictive, over-the-counter cure for insomnia.

ECLIPSE: dear god will this never end?!!

Question: how do you stretch 10 minutes of plot into a two hour film?
Answer: by having the main characters talk endlessly and repetitively about the same damn thing!
I should have learnt my lesson after suffering through the snoozefest that was 'New Moon' but this third installment in the apparently interminable 'Twilight' saga is even worse.
Almost nothing of any consequence happens as Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) carry on like a pair of lovesick pups, and Jacob (Taylor Lautner) tries to insert his ridiculously overdeveloped pecs between them.
There are well written and entertaining dramas about teenage love (think of almost anything by John Hughes in his prime) and then there's this tortuously sappy teen angst fest which does nothing but revisit the lack of action in part two.

NEW MOON: all filler, no killer

For anyone over the age of 16 NEW MOON is the dreariest possible experience. This second installment in the Twilight triology is a hundred and thirty painful minutes of teenage moping and mumbling interspersed with unfeasibly pumped-up shirtless adolescents (one of whom also appears to have pumped up - or least pumped out - his nose) running around in the rain.

Time slows to an agonising crawl over broken glass as Bella (Kristen Stewart) moons and mopes for scene after scene over her lost vampire love Edward (Robert Pattinson). Almost anyone who's ever been a teenager can identify with the heightened emotions which make separation feel like the end of the world but NEW MOON wallows in the misery with the same demented delight of a pig in you know what. 
By thirty minutes in I was ready to scream out "for god's sake get over it!" but I didn't because I didn't fancy being lynched by the mostly female, softly sniffling audience around me. 
NEW MOON is devoid of the sense of adventure and discovery which made "Twilight" such an enjoyable watch. That film had a beginning, middle and end and looks like "Citizen Kane" in comparison. NEW MOON is all middle. 
Granted there are a couple of moments where the pace drags itself up a notch beyond comatose but these flurries of excitement are so brief and unrewarding that they completely fail to scratch the itch that the film has created. 
Just as Bella and Edward are fated never to get it on, so was I destined for total frustration in my hopes for a satisfying cinematic climax.